So, yeah. It’s been 8 months since I last wrote. I have pretty much been dreading this post since August of last year. But it’s time. This post may be a slight downer but I promise that afterward it’s back to food posts and longing to pet cows and epic rants that involve wondering why vegan chocolate costs more than regular chocolate (but seriously, WHY).
I started working as a teacher in August of 2015. I believed wholeheartedly that it was going to be my career for the rest of my life. I thought I would love it. But I soon realized that not only did I not love it, but that I hated it. Teaching was not at all what I thought it would be, and I do blame myself for being naive. I hated that most of my day was spent disciplining, or completing bureaucratic paperwork to prove how you’re teaching, or that I could hear teachers yelling at students across the hall. It was less about what and how you’re teaching, and more about kicking students out of my class and punishing. I think there was only 1 week total in my almost 4 months of teaching that I did not cry. Usually, I cried on the way to school and on the way home. I always always always cried while lying in bed, wondering how much longer I could hold on. I felt beaten down. It seemed like the dream I had longed for was dead and that I was a failure. Why didn’t I love it like so many others? Why couldn’t I be happy doing this?
One Wednesday in November, I came home and laid on the couch and sobbed. My mom told me that I should quit. But wasn’t this job what I was supposed to do with my life? Wasn’t this what I was meant to be? That Wednesday, though, I gave myself permission to change and to end the pain. I realized that I deserve better than this. I turned in my notice that Friday and never went back to the school.
My mom eventually suggested that I start taking antidepressants. They took a while to work, but I do think that the combination of antidepressants and quitting my job helped to heal me. I went to work for a dear friend who owns a restaurant while I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. For the first time in my entire adult life, I didn’t have a plan. And it felt amazing! I started to feel like ME again. I was laughing, hanging with friends, smiling, enjoying the sunshine.
When 2016 started, I was ready for anything. Teaching felt (and still feels) like a dream, like it may not have even happened. It’s hard to even remember being in that classroom. I randomly got an email from the law firm I used to work for as a paralegal, and yada yada yada I’m back at the firm full time. Crazy how life works out, right?
I’m moving into an apartment in the city in a month and I’m excited for what’s to come. The following things will all be discussed: getting back to yoga, going to therapy, walking/jogging again, horrible and not-so-horrible dates, and figuring out how to keep climbing mountains. All while eating delicious foods. Stay tuned!