OMG OMG OMG it’s Halloween! It’s the very best holiday there is (after my birthday) and I just love that it’s filled with candy, scariness, costumes, and laughter. Last year I was lucky enough to go to NYC for Halloween to hang with my homie Fritz, and it was very very fun. This year I have decided to dress slightly differently than in the past (last year I was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, to give you a frame of reference) and I am going to be (pause, please) slightly sexy. I know! Me? Sexy? But listen, I’m 32 years old, I am comfortable and confident in my body, I’m single, and I’m getting my sexy groove on. YOLO, people! Help me celebrate all things Halloween:
1. Pet Costumes. Maybe it’s because my cat would rather die than allow me to put her in a costume (you have to admire that stubbornness) but I LOVE a pet costume. I secretly delight when I see a taco walking down the street and dream of the day when I can dress my future dog as an Ewok. How about a baked potato costume? Not to worry…the future is now. The world is your oyster. Or lobster, if need be.
2. Decorated Houses. I will never forget this one house in our neighborhood when I was younger. There were fake tombstones, spider webs, creepy music and lights galore. The owner dressed as a witch and sat in a rocking chair on the inside of her door and would cackle at you as you silently shit your pants. Everyone had to go up to her to get their candy, but my spidey sense told me to shag ass. So she had to throw the candy at my feet, which I felt was a victory for me. Yes, I was frightened, but I just think people that decorate their houses really get the spirit of the holiday. It’s about having fun and ultimately scaring little kids while giving them free sugar. Damn, what a great holiday.
3. Party City. Listen, don’t even think of going to this place during the entire month of October. It is truly the seventh circle of hell. But when I needed face paint so I could be a sugar skull, I went to Party City. When I needed fangs and blood for this years costume, I went to Party City. So what if it’s a craptastic hell hole derived to drive you crazy? Embrace the crazy. Then get the hell out of there.
4. Scary Movies. This should go without saying. I LOVE SCARY MOVIES almost more than anything. Last night I watched “Identity” and the night before it was “Let The Right One In.” For one month out of the year, I get to stock up on scary movies and watch until my scary movie cup runneth over (side note: it never runneth over). I have big plans to watch “Rosemary’s Baby” and “House on Haunted Hill” tomorrow as I try to recover from Halloween.
5. Vegan Halloween Candy. I have avoided candy like the plague since going vegan, just to make sure I don’t mess up (except for chocolate, because duh). But I’ve learned recently that some of my favorites are indeed vegan: Smarties, Jolly Ranchers, and Skittles are all safe to eat. Now I have to make up for lost time! It may very well be a Mamba sort of weekend for me.
6. Trick or Treating/Trunk or Treating. Times they are a changing, folks. When I was younger, my dad walked us around to the houses and my mom stayed home to give out candy. When our pillow cases got too heavy to carry, we headed home to organize our candy, trade, and watch “The Simpsons” Halloween special. Now, people go in groups to trick or treat for safety reasons. Trunk or Treating has become very popular, and I had the pleasure of going with Beevy and her girls to experience how fun it could be. People decorate the trunks of the cars and hand out candy, usually while they themselves are also dressed up. It’s super fun, and I have dreams of decorating my car when I have kids.
7. Bad Sexy Costumes. Ladies, we don’t have to do much on Halloween. We are all sexy as is. This is the perfect time of year, however, to show some skin and let your freak flag fly. But some costumes are just…wrong. I think we have crossed into the “horrible idea” category when you spot a “Sexy Olaf” costume or a “Corn” (the food) one. Why? Just…why? Please take some time and view some really really bad ones here and here. And then ask yourself how you have managed to live with that hamburger costume for so long.
8. Pumpkin Everything. Tis the season to put pumpkin in your coffee, beer, muffins, and pies. Get crazy and put some behind your ear if you’re sad or use some pumpkin as a face wash. Embrace the wacky orange squash! And can we talk about how good pepitas are?
9. Haunted Houses. Every single year, without fail, I talk about going to a haunted house but no one will go with me. I see this not as a “Sar” problem but more like my friends are scurred freaks. Here’s how to handle a haunted house: understand that every person that’s scaring you has also had too much coffee and desperately wants a cigarette and to go to bed, much like the rest of us. They are no different than us, and will most likely eat at Waffle House before the night is over just like you and I. That’s not very scary, is it?
10. Family Costumes. I feel like my life will be complete when I can decorate my house, dress my family up like the characters from “Clue”, and then watch as hilarity ensues as we pretend to bash each other over the head with candlesticks and lead pipes. That’s good family fun! Recently I saw a family dress as minions and the father was Gru. I died. It’s the best.
Happy Halloween to everyone!