I’ve never made a vegan mac-n-cheese before, and I’m slightly ashamed. Not like, “Uh oh, I think I just sharted” sort of shame. More like the “are they just going to come in the middle of the night to take my vegan card away, or will it just disappear?” If there was ever a time to try some new recipes, it is clearly during Vegan MoFo. What better way to spread your shame like herpes than to publicly broadcast it on the interwebs? Good thing for us all, my shame knows no bounds. My shame will slap your shame in the face every day and then pee in your kool-aid. I fear I’ve gotten off track here…should we talk about this mac-n-cheese now?
I was armed with about 10 different mac-n-cheese recipes to choose from so I enlisted my mom’s help to narrow it down. One wanted me to add butternut squash, but that clearly scared the shit out of me, so I decided to file that one away for “use when no longer scared like a little girl.” One recipe wanted me to add carrots and potatoes, and that just seemed bizarre. My mom and I settled on one that gets baked with yummy breadcrumbs on top. Winner winner! This one came from Lindsay S. Nixon’s “The Happy Herbivore” cookbook. I was super stoked to make this. I ran to Kroger and got the ingredients I needed, but left without the miso. My Kroger didn’t have miso, except for the instant miso soup with tofu packets. I was undeterred…maybe the missing miso wouldn’t make a different in the mac-n-cheese.
I started with the pasta. Can we talk about this package? First off, what the shit do bronze plates have to do with my pasta? I was intrigued, bemused, clearly I had to have it. I almost got roped into buying risotto, polenta, and orzo from the same makers. The packaging department deserves a raise! Somewhere, some dude is smoking a cigarette and drinking black coffee and yelling, “Hey Ira! Some jackass in Georgia just bought our whole wheat pasta and actually believes we use bronze plates! Drinks on me tonight!”
I added all of the yummy ingredients to the skillet (sans miso), I blended some shelf-stable tofu into a delightful consistency, I was a cooking fool. It smelled lovely, I must tell you. I threw it all into a baking dish, added the breadcrumbs, and crossed my fingers as I popped it into the oven.
I COULD NOT WAIT to try this shiz. I just knew that I would be making this for all pot luck parties in my near future. Invitations would have hand written notes that read “And don’t forget that mac-n-cheese! We’re STILL talking about it! XOXO.” This was it. My time as a vegan mac-n-cheese virgin was over, and now a new era would welcome me with open arms.
I don’t know how to break this to you all, so I’m just going to spill it. This was so bland, with no flavor, that it was a HUGE disappointment. And can I be honest with you all? I was the most sad that my damn bronze plated pasta was ruined. This dish was no bueno. Could it have been the lack of miso? Was it a miso disaster? What went wrong? My friends tried it as well, and it was a total bust. It ended up being donated to the neighborhood raccoons, as they greatly enjoy bronze plated pasta.
I’m still on the lookout for a vegan mac-n-cheese recipe that will rock all socks I own. Does anyone have any recipes to share? On to the next!